honestly...what do you think?

Before:

After:

Close up of the middle:So what do you all think? I hope it's cute, cuz I think it's cute! :) and better yet....very very cheap! Thank you DI, Lacie and mom for the idea and the help!

Thank you!

I want to thank all of you for all of your love and support that you have showed and shared with us over the last few weeks. Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom, encouragement, and love. We are SO blessed to have such amazing friends and family that are willing to help out in any way they can! It is times like these that remind me how truly blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life. These last 3 weeks have been full of emotions. Full of feelings of pain, anger, sadness, frustration, helplessness, jealousy, envy, confusion, and even stupidity. Since the miscarriage just wasn't happening on it's own and the risk of infection was rising every day we were finally able to go to the hospital and have the D&C. I was not excited for surgery but was excited to finally close this chapter of our lives and move on. When I woke up from surgery Tuesday afternoon the very first thought that came into my head was, "that's it, that is the end of what was left of my baby." Surprisingly I didn't burst into tears feeling sorry for myself or sad about what had just happened. Instead my eyes welled up with tears and I felt relief and peace for the first time in a LONG time. These last 3 weeks have been the hardest 3 weeks of my life, 3 weeks that I never want to relive EVER...but the things I have learned are things that I want to remember forever. This adventure has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father, closer to myself and closer to Dillon. Before all of this I thought I loved Dillon more than any one person can love another human being but now I know I can and I do love him even more. He has been my rock. He has let me spend countless hours crying on his shoulder, gave me many blessings, and reminded me numerous times that "it will all be ok." I know this has been just as hard on him and I so appreciate his strength and support. I love you Dillon and I love all of you for your thoughts and prayers offered in our behalf. THANK YOU!

How quickly life can change

July 24^th, 2010…the moment was here. It was time to see if the 3^rd round of fertility meds were a success. Oh how hard I tried to balance hope, faith and reality. I tried my hardest to not get too excited while still hoping for the best. And the moment of truth... finally, the 14 ½ month wait was over, a positive pregnancy test! I couldn’t believe that the moment we had been hoping and praying for for so long was finally here. Dillon was still in bed and I couldn’t wait to go break the news. I snuck into our bedroom, climbed back into bed and leaned over to kiss him good morning. As soon as he opened his eyes I stuck that wonderful pee stick right in his face. I will NEVER forget that amazing moment as we kissed and held each other as tears ran down my face! We quickly said a prayer of gratitude to our Heavenly Father for blessing us with something so wonderful, something that we had worked so hard for! We were headed to SV that day so we hurried and got ready and left town. I could hardly contain my excitement, the whole time we were in SV around my family I just wanted to throw my hands in the air and yell, “WE ARE HAVING A BABY!” Since it was a bit early I did refrain but in time the good word starting leaking out. We only told a select few since it was early and we were being as cautiously excited as possible. A few weeks later we had a bit of a scare. I started bleeding pretty badly. I panicked. I didn’t want ANYTHING to happen to my precious little baby. I hurried and called my doctor’s office who told me to come in right then if I could. The doctor we had been seeing for fertility was not in office that day but we would be seeing another doctor. We went into the office and they took us back to one of the little rooms. We sat in there for what felt like an eternity. I was trying to be strong and think optimistically but couldn’t help but let a few tears sneak down my cheeks. Finally- the doctor came in…he talked to us for a few mins then sent us with one of the nurses for an ultrasound to see what things looked like. During the ultrasound things looked good. We were only measuring 5 wks and 5 days which was still very early and too early to see the baby. We were able to see the amniotic sac and see that everything looked just as it should for that stage of our pregnancy. Oh, what a relief! The doctor came back in, talked to us for a few more mins and explained that the bleeding was probably caused by the sac implanting to the side of the uterus. He explained that this “implantation bleeding” is not common but is not unusual either. He then told us that we probably ought to get another ultrasound done in 2 to 3 weeks just to make sure everything was still progressing correctly. We left his office completed relieved and very satisfied with the news. The bleeding stopped that day and we were once again VERY relieved. The next few weeks were VERY busy and filled with lots of packing and moving (for Dillon) and lots of throwing up (for me). We made it through the move and thanks to some wonderful medication I was able to spend less time hugging the toilet. By this time we were about 7 weeks along and were still waiting to make the big announcement, just in case. But, thanks to one VERY excited first time grandma (Dillon’s mom), word was spreading quicker than we ever thought. Since we had moved we wanted to go with a doctor that was a little bit closer and chose one in IF that we had heard VERY good things about. We set up a confirmation apt with his office and went in. We met with the doctor’s PA and he estimated our due date to be March 31^st. I couldn’t believe it, mine and my dad’s birthday! But since it was still early the due date was subject to change. He spent some time talking to us and scheduled us an ultrasound in 2 weeks to check on things just as the doctor in Rexburg had advised. The ultrasound was scheduled for Aug 25^th and I could not WAIT! We would be just past 9 wks and would be able to see our little baby and hear the little heartbeat. Since word was spreading faster and faster each day (thanks again to that very excited grandma :) we decided to make the big announcement after this apt. One month and one day after the positive pregnancy test the day had come. Dillon had started school and was going to have to meet me in IF for the ultrasound since he had class. Luckily his class got out early and we were able to make the drive together. We got into the office and was taken back to the little room and quickly got underway. The nurse doing the ultrasound showed us the uterus and pointed out the sac then quickly said she was going to go take a quick look at the ovaries then come back to the uterus for a closer look. She went and took a look at my ovaries, she looked and measured and said that everything looked good. She then went back to the uterus. My heart was racing with excitement. It was time to see our little baby! I searched the screen for anything that resembled a little baby. How come I couldn’t see that little growing jellybean? The nurse began measuring the sac and pointing out that the black we could see on the screen was all fluid. I didn’t care about fluid, I wanted to scream “SHOW ME MY BABY!” My heart was still racing but this time with more worry than excitement. I looked from the screen to the nurse hoping that her screen showed something different. She once again pointed out more black just outside the sac and said that that was blood. Now I was officially worried. Why hadn’t she showed me my baby, I didn’t care about all the fluid and blood! Then she spoke the words I will never forget, “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your baby never developed.” I was in shock. I was in disbelief. I couldn’t speak. Finally, Dillon broke the silence and asked the nurse where we were supposed to go from there. She told us it wasn’t her place to give us our options but she would go find someone to answer all our questions. The doctor was out of town so she asked if we were comfortable talking with his PA that we had already met. We said yes and she went to get him. After she left I just laid there. I looked over at Dillon and all I could say is, “I’m so confused. What is she talking about?” I finally was able to move and quickly got dressed then we were moved to another room. We waited in this little room for what felt like an eternity. Dillon squeezed my hand and told me he loved me. It took a few seconds before I was finally able to squeek “I love you too.” I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to feel. So I just cried. The PA finally came in and very lovingly asked how we were doing. Again I couldn’t talk. He then started to explain what had happened. He started by telling us that the nurse had labeled our ultrasound as a “Blighted Ovum.” Basically a blighted ovum means that something happened with chromosomes early on and a baby never developed. I was still confused…how come everything had looked fine 3 weeks earlier and how come I had been SO sick? He explained that with a blighted ovum fertilization takes place, the body produces HCG (causing a positive pregnancy test) and continues producing HCG (causing pregnancy symptoms, especially nausea). Everything is just as if you are pregnant, just without the growing baby. He assured us that 20-25% of women experience blighted ovum and many women never even know unless they have an early ultrasound revealing the news, otherwise they just believe they had a normal miscarriage. He then told us that according to the blood spotted on the ultrasound I would be miscarrying the sac and tissue anytime within the next one to two weeks. I was once again in disbelief. Why did this happen to us? We had worked so hard for this! We wanted this more than anything! The PA told us our options. We could wait it out and let things take their course naturally. He could prescribe us some medication to speed up the process. Or we could go right then to the hospital for a D&C. We opted for the natural route. He gave us some last words of encouragement and comfort before letting us leave. The moment I stepped out of that building I lost it! I couldn’t hold it in any longer. We stood there, in the middle of the parking lot, holding each other, crying. The drive home seemed to last forever. I couldn’t stop crying as I replayed what had just happened over and over in my mind.

It has now been one week since we got the news that changed our lives in an instant. It hasn’t been until the last few days that we have been able to see signs that maybe, just maybe the miscarriage will happen soon. I still don’t completely understand why we must go through this trail right now in our lives but I do know that there is a reason. Heavenly Father loves us. He knows the desires of our heart and he knows what we are going through right now. This trial will bring something good into our lives and will be for our benefit. I am SO grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and the comfort that I have been able to feel in the last week. I am SO SO grateful for my WONDERFUL husband and the AWESOME support he has been to me and for the love that he has showed me. Not only has he put up with having a dirty house and no hot meals for the past almost month but now he has put up with bursts of emotion and is still there to rub my back as I refund breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am truly grateful for the wonderful man that he is and the great support he is. I don’t know what the next few weeks are going to be like or how hard they are going to be. I don’t know whether Dillon will be home when it happens or if I will be sitting here alone. All I do know is that we will make it through this trial. We will come out of this stronger individuals and with an even stronger relationship.

Finally...

...finally we have stopped traveling, finally we are moved and settled and FINALLY we have internet!!! :) I forgot how nice it is to sit in your own house doin what you need to do online! These last 2 months have been crazy to say the least but they have also been full of lots and family, friends and fun! Back in July we took a weekend and had 2 of my cute little nieces come and spend a few days with us, then we took a weekend to go camping with my bestest friend and her cute little family, then I took a day to hang out with and say goodbye to my buddies I made at Frontier Pies, we then took a weekend to celebrate our 2 year anniversary then we took a weekend to travel clear up to Northern Idaho to the BEAUTIFUL Priest Lake. Until this summer I never realized how many weekends July has!!! lol. August was slightly calmer but not by a whole lot. We spent a LOT of time in the car first coming home from Priest Lake, then makin countless trips back and forth between St Anthony, Star Valley, Shelley and Blackfoot for this or that. We are now, like i said, FINALLY moved and settled into our cute little place in Blackfoot! It is such a relief to be able to sleep in our own bed, sit on our own couch, watch our own TV, and look at all our own decorations! I didn't realize how bad i missed all of that over the past 8 months. Since we got moved in we've been spending our time finishin up odds and ends, canning lots and lots of apples/applesauce, and tryin to relax and enjoy the last of the summer. I can't believe that summer flew past as quick as it did. Seriously, where did it go? Wherever it went, it's gone and Dillon started school yesterday at ISU. Yesterday was orientation and today is the first day in classes. From the sounds of things it hasn't been too bad so far but he is very nervous since this year is supposed to be the hardest. He has one class that he has to get at least an 80% on e-v-e-r-y test or he fails and he can't get below a C- in any of his classes or he is KICKED OUT of the OT program. Cross your fingers for him although I think he will do great! :) As for me, today will mark my first day on payroll at the Blackfoot Community Center since I have to go in tonight for a staff meeting. I have met with the director of the center a few different times and we are working to get everything up and running for their new LEAPfrog preschool class that I will be teaching. I'm REALLY excited to get back into teaching preschool and hanging out with those funny little kids! The first day of preschool is not until the 14th of Sept but we have LOTS to get ready and figured out between now and then so I will be keeping busy. I could use a few more days to relax and just hang out but I'm sure I'll still get that in when I can :)

Here are just a few pictures to recap the last 2 months:

Camping

This last week we were able to take a few days off and go do some camping! The trip can be summed up in pretty well one word.....MOSQUITOES! I cannot even tell you how many mosquitoes were around. I have NEVER in my life, seen that many of those dirty little beggers in one place (this picture does not even do it justice by gives you a little bit of an idea). We headed up Thurs evening to find a place to set up camp and the original plan was to stay put until we had to come down for work Sat, but, because of those hungry little pests, we packed up camp a WEE bit early and came home. Though we didn't stay the whole time we still got plenty of fishing time in. Too bad we didn't get plenty of actual fish in. Dillon out-fished me by FAR with a 6:1 ratio. They were only tiny little brook trout but were plenty hard to catch. Skeeter LOVED being outside and being able to explore the world as he pleased. I'm not so sure he loved the night time seein as how every time one of us was awake during the night (which was quite often) he was awake and walkin around or growling at this or that. By the way he was acting Friday I'm pretty sure he didn't do a whole lot of sleeping during the night. I'm not sure if it was the 2 packs of wolves howling back and forth to one another from across the valley we were in or if it was all the new sights and sounds and movements that had him all riled up. Or maybe he just felt the need to protect us since as soon as we were awake and moving around for the day this is how he spent his time. Poor dog. Oh and how those mosquitoes LOVED his blood, even more than they liked ours. As we laid in the tent trying to fall asleep we could hear him snapping at all the little buggers buzzing around him. I really did feel bad for him but not quite enough to let him in to ruin our tent! :) So despite not being the most pleasant camping experience ever, we were in a beautiful location with amazing weather (not too hot or too cold) and I think we could say a good time was had by all! I dunno if we liked so much we can't stay home or we are just too stupid to stay home since we are gonna be camping every weekend the rest of July. Dillon is gonna go this weekend with a friend then next weekend we get to go up to Wyo and go camping with some friends, which I am VERY VERY excited about (Shay I cannot WAIT to see you guys!!), then we are gonna go again the next weekend for our Anniversary, then up to Priest Lake for the Merrill family reunion before coming home just in time to move! Oh yeah, and we finally decided on a place. We are going to be living in......Blackfoot. Well actually just outside of Blackfoot in a place called Riverton and frankly I am VERY excited. So that's about it for us. Lots of going on in the next little while before life slows down a little bit and we close this chapter of our lives and start a new one! YAY!
(By the way...ignore this underlining thing...it just randomly started and I can't make it go away! SORRY!)

Sweet Summertime!

I think that summer might finally be here...I think. Some days I wonder but lately it has been pretty nice! :) So far this summer we have spent our time working, hanging out, fishing, lookin for housing, working and fishing. We are sticking around here for another month then it is off to Pocatello. Although we haven't found a for sure place to live yet, we are looking closely at a place that is about 20 mins outside of Pocatello (closer to Blackfoot). It is a heck of a deal! Nice and big, we can have Skeeter, and out in the country. We're gonna look a little bit more a little closer to ISU so Dillon won't have to commute (especially in the Winter) but this place is gonna be pretty hard to pass up. We both have one more month of work...almost exactly and personally I cannot WAIT!! Although I have enjoyed my time at Frontier Pies, things there have changed dramatically in the last week or so and now I just want to be done....NOW! lol. After we get done with work, we're gonna take a week or so and go play for our Anniversary (2 years HOLY COW) and for a Merrill Family Reunion before we make the move and start our lives farther south. Well, that's about it for now. Here are a few pics from the last month or so, and really there are only a few because I just haven't taken any pictures this last month apparently!

My baby sister graduated from High School....oh my!
That means mom and dad are gettin old! LOL (Love you)
Congrats Em, love ya

Look at this cute little chunky monkey (and Heather, no that is not a fat joke...I'm takin about Miss Sofia! :) Both babes came to SV to watch Emily graduate and I wouldn't go as far as saying they loved it...well not Lukas so much but Sofia didn't mind. We loved spending time with them anyways!

So when I say we've been fishin, I mean mostly fishin in the freezin cold rain.
And yes...I do have my pole sticking out of my boot.
My hands were too cold to hold it so this was the solution I came up with! :)

Look at that concentration...too bad it didn't catch us anything

The one and only fish I have caught fishing together this summer

The one and only fish Dillon has caught fishing together this summer

SUMMER......

is almost here?? Well, the weather is s-l-o-w-l-y getting warmer and work is dwindling down. In 1 week I will be completely done with my employment with Madison County School District. And I must say, as much as I will miss the kids and the ladies I work with......I can't get out of here fast enough!!! :) Dillon has actually been working with me at the preschool but since we are finished with kids and using the next little while to clean, get ready for next yr, etc, he's been spending his days workin at the mini-mart and fishin every chance he gets. I'm still working away at Frontier Pies and will pick up more hours there in the next week or so once I'm done at the preschool. I don't know what I'm gonna do with all the extra time I'll have not havin to be at work ALL THE TIME! But, I think I can manage to fill it up with something! :) So this summer we'll just work and work then towards the end of the summer we'll pack up and head on over to Pocatello. Kinda lame, I know, but....ya gotta do what you gotta do. We're starting to look for somewhere to live in or around (preferably around) Pocatello. So, if anyone down close by that area knows of anything....feel free to let us know! :) We are really hoping to find a house with a nice fenced in backyard since we've got Skeeter. Guess we'll see. Well that's about all for us for now. Sorry we're so lame, I don't blame anyone fore giving up on us! :) Hopefully something exciting or fun will happen to us in the next little while so I can have something fun to tell you all!