Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Blessings can be hard

I don't think it is any secret that Lucy has not been the easiest baby. 
She has been battling reflux since she was a month old, she spits up all the time, she is stubborn, she doesn't like to be cuddled, hasn't liked to be rocked until recently, fought naps for a LONG time (and still does on occasion), moves and talks in her sleep thus waking herself up multiple times a night and is unable to soothe herself back to sleep or needs help getting unstuck from the side of the crib, is horrible for most all babysitters, she is NOT a pleasant teether, does not get teeth thru quickly, she is feisty, she is independent, it is often a battle to get her to eat, she is not easily entertained for more than just a few mins at a time, is always moving and always on the go, and has been sick a lot.  
She has not been a particularly easy baby.  
When things get REALLY bad (especially between 1 and 2 months when all she did was scream) I would/do get so frustrated not knowing what she needs, what she wants, and what I need to be doing for her.  Then I get more frustrated; frustrated at myself for being frustrated.  At times I would find myself thinking about how much simpler and less sleepy life was before she came.  Then I wouldn't get frustrated, I would get MAD at myself for even letting such thoughts cross my mind.  Lucy is what we have wanted, prayed for, longed for, paid for and hoped for for the past 5+ years.... how could I even think about being jealous of our old life?  

 I know that my feelings of frustration are real but I also know that I should be grateful for the sleepless nights, grateful for the crying teething baby, grateful for the constant mess in my house.  I should be grateful because it means I have a beautiful little baby in my life to keep my up at night, to get teeth and to make a mess.  And I am; I am grateful.  But I still get overwhelmed.  

There for a while I was not happy.  I was not happy with myself for being frustrated with Lucy and for being frustrated with my lack of parenting skills.  Then I realized something (with the help of others).....
I was expecting too much of myself. 
For the 5+ years we struggled with infertility I had been told countless times, "You will be such a GREAT mom when you do have a baby."  "You will appreciate that baby so much more."  "You will be so much more patient." 
But the truth?
Parenting after infertility is still parenting.  
It is still hard.  It is still frustrating.  

 I know that we are ever so lucky to have little Miss Mae in our lives and I am ever so grateful to have her in our family.  I know that being her mom is a blessing that I longed for, prayed for and hoped for for a long time.  But I also know that it is ok that I think parenting is hard.

 I love this little girl more than anything in the world and now cannot imagine our life without her in it.  She brings so much joy into our home with that huge toothy grin and those hysterical giggles and those sweet occasional snuggles.
Are there days when I want to pull my hair out?  Yes.  Are there days when Dillon can't walk through the front door fast enough to tag me out?  Yes.  Are there days when all I want is to check into a hotel room just to get a full nights sleep?  Yes.  
And all of that is ok.  
 I have put too much pressure on myself as an infertility "survivor" to somehow be a perfect parent.  Because this little girl was SO desired to come into our family, the guilt I have felt over not being that 'perfect' parent is that much greater in those moments of frustration.

Parenting is hard.  No matter how long you waited for that little one to come into your family.... it still brings the same challenges and the same frustrations.
But it also brings the same joys and happy moments. 

It's true, Lucy hasn't been the easiest baby.  But I truly believe that without her feisty, stubborn personality she would not be here with us.  She had to be a fighter to make it into our arms and am I ever so glad that she did.  
I will take my moments of frustration just so that I can enjoy those squeals of delight and those huge smiles.
 And it is OK that I get frustrated and it is OK that I need a break from time to time.  
Just because I had lots of time to prepare to be her mom doesn't mean I have to be the perfect mom.
She will still love me just the same, even with my parenting weaknesses.  

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

8 months old

I'm still not sure how she is already 8 months old!
This little girl is a go getter!  If she is sitting still, you know she isn't feeling well.  The crawls all over the place, getting into everything.  She is less interested in cords this month and more interested in the fireplace : /  She isn't afraid to venture around the house by herself.  Often times in the evening when we are just hanging out in the living room watching TV and vegging, she will venture into the dark of the kitchen or her room, do a little exploring and come back into the living room.  Or we have to go find her :)
She knows what "No" means "HURRY!  Mom is coming to stop me."  As soon as she hears "no" or "Lucy Mae" she knows that I am coming to stop her from going wherever she is going or stopping her from whatever it is she has found to play with and will start squealing and giggling and crawling faster to where she is not supposed to be.  
Likes to be teased and play "peek-a-boo."  Loves "pat-a-cake."  LOVES herself and waving at herself in the mirror!  (I picked her up from the babysitters one day after work and my babysitters daughter said, "she loves herself."  They had put a mirror down on the floor for her to see herself and play. haha)
Pulls herself up to everything and loves to stand and play at the couch.  Gets a little too brave and just lets go and falls over right on her noggin.  She is starting to get a little better balance and can stand for just a little bit by herself.  
Has recently started to like cuddling just a little bit more lately!  Will cuddle and fall sleep for naps and bed SO much easier now.  (Most the time)
Still loves to eat just about anything.  And LOVES adult food!  BUT, she will often fight eating.  Really don't know why but Daddy OT seems to think that she is having some oral aversions after being forced to take so much medicine while she's been sick.
Yes, she got sick again this month...strep!  Again we battled 104+ fevers for a few days and had to go on another antibiotic.  This girl and her fevers.....she scares me!  
Still LOVES her daddy and will choose to go to him over me almost every time. 
Still not sleeping very well but *cross our fingers* has been doing a little bit better just the last few nights.  
Still only has the 2 adorable little bottom teeth but has been trying to get some top ones thru for a while now.  She is NOT a quick teether.
Still the cutest little thing and makes the CUTEST and silliest faces.  
We are so in love with this little stink.  Even when she is being a little stink, which is quite often :)