Thursday, September 16, 2010

Thank you!

I want to thank all of you for all of your love and support that you have showed and shared with us over the last few weeks. Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom, encouragement, and love. We are SO blessed to have such amazing friends and family that are willing to help out in any way they can! It is times like these that remind me how truly blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life. These last 3 weeks have been full of emotions. Full of feelings of pain, anger, sadness, frustration, helplessness, jealousy, envy, confusion, and even stupidity. Since the miscarriage just wasn't happening on it's own and the risk of infection was rising every day we were finally able to go to the hospital and have the D&C. I was not excited for surgery but was excited to finally close this chapter of our lives and move on. When I woke up from surgery Tuesday afternoon the very first thought that came into my head was, "that's it, that is the end of what was left of my baby." Surprisingly I didn't burst into tears feeling sorry for myself or sad about what had just happened. Instead my eyes welled up with tears and I felt relief and peace for the first time in a LONG time. These last 3 weeks have been the hardest 3 weeks of my life, 3 weeks that I never want to relive EVER...but the things I have learned are things that I want to remember forever. This adventure has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father, closer to myself and closer to Dillon. Before all of this I thought I loved Dillon more than any one person can love another human being but now I know I can and I do love him even more. He has been my rock. He has let me spend countless hours crying on his shoulder, gave me many blessings, and reminded me numerous times that "it will all be ok." I know this has been just as hard on him and I so appreciate his strength and support. I love you Dillon and I love all of you for your thoughts and prayers offered in our behalf. THANK YOU!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

How quickly life can change

July 24th, 2010…the moment was here. It was time to see if the 3rd round of fertility meds were a success. Oh how hard I tried to balance hope, faith and reality. I tried my hardest to not get too excited while still hoping for the best. And the moment of truth... finally, the 14 ½ month wait was over, a positive pregnancy test! I couldn’t believe that the moment we had been hoping and praying for for so long was finally here. Dillon was still in bed and I couldn’t wait to go break the news. I snuck into our bedroom, climbed back into bed and leaned over to kiss him good morning. As soon as he opened his eyes I stuck that wonderful pee stick right in his face. I will NEVER forget that amazing moment as we kissed and held each other as tears ran down my face! We quickly said a prayer of gratitude to our Heavenly Father for blessing us with something so wonderful, something that we had worked so hard for! We were headed to SV that day so we hurried and got ready and left town. I could hardly contain my excitement, the whole time we were in SV around my family I just wanted to throw my hands in the air and yell, “WE ARE HAVING A BABY!” Since it was a bit early I did refrain but in time the good word starting leaking out. We only told a select few since it was early and we were being as cautiously excited as possible. A few weeks later we had a bit of a scare. I started bleeding pretty badly. I panicked. I didn’t want ANYTHING to happen to my precious little baby. I hurried and called my doctor’s office who told me to come in right then if I could. The doctor we had been seeing for fertility was not in office that day but we would be seeing another doctor. We went into the office and they took us back to one of the little rooms. We sat in there for what felt like an eternity. I was trying to be strong and think optimistically but couldn’t help but let a few tears sneak down my cheeks. Finally- the doctor came in…he talked to us for a few mins then sent us with one of the nurses for an ultrasound to see what things looked like. During the ultrasound things looked good. We were only measuring 5 wks and 5 days which was still very early and too early to see the baby. We were able to see the amniotic sac and see that everything looked just as it should for that stage of our pregnancy. Oh, what a relief! The doctor came back in, talked to us for a few more mins and explained that the bleeding was probably caused by the sac implanting to the side of the uterus. He explained that this “implantation bleeding” is not common but is not unusual either. He then told us that we probably ought to get another ultrasound done in 2 to 3 weeks just to make sure everything was still progressing correctly. We left his office completed relieved and very satisfied with the news. The bleeding stopped that day and we were once again VERY relieved. The next few weeks were VERY busy and filled with lots of packing and moving (for Dillon) and lots of throwing up (for me). We made it through the move and thanks to some wonderful medication I was able to spend less time hugging the toilet. By this time we were about 7 weeks along and were still waiting to make the big announcement, just in case. But, thanks to one VERY excited first time grandma (Dillon’s mom), word was spreading quicker than we ever thought. Since we had moved we wanted to go with a doctor that was a little bit closer and chose one in IF that we had heard VERY good things about. We set up a confirmation apt with his office and went in. We met with the doctor’s PA and he estimated our due date to be March 31st. I couldn’t believe it, mine and my dad’s birthday! But since it was still early the due date was subject to change. He spent some time talking to us and scheduled us an ultrasound in 2 weeks to check on things just as the doctor in Rexburg had advised. The ultrasound was scheduled for Aug 25th and I could not WAIT! We would be just past 9 wks and would be able to see our little baby and hear the little heartbeat. Since word was spreading faster and faster each day (thanks again to that very excited grandma :) we decided to make the big announcement after this apt. One month and one day after the positive pregnancy test the day had come. Dillon had started school and was going to have to meet me in IF for the ultrasound since he had class. Luckily his class got out early and we were able to make the drive together. We got into the office and was taken back to the little room and quickly got underway. The nurse doing the ultrasound showed us the uterus and pointed out the sac then quickly said she was going to go take a quick look at the ovaries then come back to the uterus for a closer look. She went and took a look at my ovaries, she looked and measured and said that everything looked good. She then went back to the uterus. My heart was racing with excitement. It was time to see our little baby! I searched the screen for anything that resembled a little baby. How come I couldn’t see that little growing jellybean? The nurse began measuring the sac and pointing out that the black we could see on the screen was all fluid. I didn’t care about fluid, I wanted to scream “SHOW ME MY BABY!” My heart was still racing but this time with more worry than excitement. I looked from the screen to the nurse hoping that her screen showed something different. She once again pointed out more black just outside the sac and said that that was blood. Now I was officially worried. Why hadn’t she showed me my baby, I didn’t care about all the fluid and blood! Then she spoke the words I will never forget, “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your baby never developed.” I was in shock. I was in disbelief. I couldn’t speak. Finally, Dillon broke the silence and asked the nurse where we were supposed to go from there. She told us it wasn’t her place to give us our options but she would go find someone to answer all our questions. The doctor was out of town so she asked if we were comfortable talking with his PA that we had already met. We said yes and she went to get him. After she left I just laid there. I looked over at Dillon and all I could say is, “I’m so confused. What is she talking about?” I finally was able to move and quickly got dressed then we were moved to another room. We waited in this little room for what felt like an eternity. Dillon squeezed my hand and told me he loved me. It took a few seconds before I was finally able to squeek “I love you too.” I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to feel. So I just cried. The PA finally came in and very lovingly asked how we were doing. Again I couldn’t talk. He then started to explain what had happened. He started by telling us that the nurse had labeled our ultrasound as a “Blighted Ovum.” Basically a blighted ovum means that something happened with chromosomes early on and a baby never developed. I was still confused…how come everything had looked fine 3 weeks earlier and how come I had been SO sick? He explained that with a blighted ovum fertilization takes place, the body produces HCG (causing a positive pregnancy test) and continues producing HCG (causing pregnancy symptoms, especially nausea). Everything is just as if you are pregnant, just without the growing baby. He assured us that 20-25% of women experience blighted ovum and many women never even know unless they have an early ultrasound revealing the news, otherwise they just believe they had a normal miscarriage. He then told us that according to the blood spotted on the ultrasound I would be miscarrying the sac and tissue anytime within the next one to two weeks. I was once again in disbelief. Why did this happen to us? We had worked so hard for this! We wanted this more than anything! The PA told us our options. We could wait it out and let things take their course naturally. He could prescribe us some medication to speed up the process. Or we could go right then to the hospital for a D&C. We opted for the natural route. He gave us some last words of encouragement and comfort before letting us leave. The moment I stepped out of that building I lost it! I couldn’t hold it in any longer. We stood there, in the middle of the parking lot, holding each other, crying. The drive home seemed to last forever. I couldn’t stop crying as I replayed what had just happened over and over in my mind.

It has now been one week since we got the news that changed our lives in an instant. It hasn’t been until the last few days that we have been able to see signs that maybe, just maybe the miscarriage will happen soon. I still don’t completely understand why we must go through this trail right now in our lives but I do know that there is a reason. Heavenly Father loves us. He knows the desires of our heart and he knows what we are going through right now. This trial will bring something good into our lives and will be for our benefit. I am SO grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and the comfort that I have been able to feel in the last week. I am SO SO grateful for my WONDERFUL husband and the AWESOME support he has been to me and for the love that he has showed me. Not only has he put up with having a dirty house and no hot meals for the past almost month but now he has put up with bursts of emotion and is still there to rub my back as I refund breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am truly grateful for the wonderful man that he is and the great support he is. I don’t know what the next few weeks are going to be like or how hard they are going to be. I don’t know whether Dillon will be home when it happens or if I will be sitting here alone. All I do know is that we will make it through this trial. We will come out of this stronger individuals and with an even stronger relationship.