Postpartum Depression after infertility

I look back at pictures of my beautiful baby boy and I feel like I don't know who that sweet baby is.  

Our new life as a family of 4 was a blur.  We went through the motions day by day.  I would get overwhelmed with my duties as a mother of 2, but all moms do right?  I was exhausted from nighttime feedings and keeping up with an almost 2 year old during the days, but all moms are right?  I was frustrated when Lucy would wake Easton up after FINALLY getting him to sleep, but that was justified right? I was snappy and short with Dillon for not picking up his socks and not being home ALL the time, but I was just hormonal right? I didn't want to visit family and I didn't want to be around people, but I was just tired right?  I would lose my cool and yell at or spank Lucy when she was acting like a 2 year old, but I was just overwhelmed right?  I would lay Easton is in crib to cry because he wouldn't go to sleep and I didn't know how to make him, but I just needed a break right?  I was convinced something was wrong with my new precious baby every time he spit up, every time he cried too much, every time he made a funny noise, every time he looked at me wrong.  But I just loved him and wanted him to be healthy right?

I would get the hang of the 'having 2 kids' thing soon, I would be happier tomorrow, I would control my temper better next time, I just needed a girls night, I just needed an outlet, I just needed a good nights sleep.......

RIGHT??

I loved these sweet babies more than anything! I prayed for them, longed for them, spent years trying to get them!  There is NO WAY I had Postpartum Depression.  There is NO WAY I had anxiety.

No possible way.  I wanted to be a momma! I would enjoy all the moment mommyhood had to offer.  The good, the bad and the ugly!

I would try harder, I would pray harder, things would get better.

But, things weren't getting better.  I was still overwhelmed.  I was still tired.  I was still angry.  I was still frustrated.  I still didn't want to be around people/family.  I was still worried.  I was still anxious.

 I would see an article about PPD/PPA and brush off the fact that I had answered "Yes" to most of the symptoms.  But maybe, just maybe, there was a reason I was feeling this way.  Maybe I should call my Dr.  No, I was fine.  Maybe I should talk to a friend that had been through PPD before.  No, I didn't have PPD.  Maybe I should look further into it.  

Maybe.

Before I knew it my sweet baby was 6 months old and I was still overwhelmed.  I was still exhausted.  I was still angry.  And I was still over anxious. 

I felt like I had been living in a fog for the past 6 months.  

What was my baby like as a 3 week old? As a 3 month old? What was he like even 3 weeks ago?

Then we had a rough week, a really rough week.
Something was NOT right.  Things were NOT ok.  I was NOT ok.  

That next Monday morning I broke down.  Another sobbing, ugly faced crying breakdown.  I picked up the phone and called Dillon who came home with chocolate and a Dr Pepper and prepared to give me a priesthood blessing.  It had happened, I had reached the point when I knew it was time to make that call to my Dr's office and instead of hanging up as soon as I dialed.... to wait and hear the receptionists voice and make that appointment.

3 days later I found myself with a knot in my stomach and my hands and limbs shaking, sitting in the waiting room, waiting for my turn.  Finally, they called me back.  I told the nurse I was struggling.  I waited for Dr Leavitt.  He came in.  He asked me how I was doing.  And....... I lost it.  

He listened, he let me cry and he told me it would be a good idea to get on some medication to help with my depression and anxiety. He had done it, he used those words I had feared and dreaded.
Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety.

But how? Why?  These babies were my BABIES!  I LOVED them!  I WANTED them!
I was living my dream of being their mother!

My sweet baby boy is now 10 months old and he is MY baby.
I know him, I love him, I am his momma!

Life is still crazy and being of momma of 2 still gets overwhelming and you always worry about the safety and well being of these precious little ones.  But I am happy. And not just pretending to be happy.  I know that I can do this!  I can enjoy the moments of motherhood.  I can love and cherish the happy and funny times and I can cope and get past the sad and scary times!  I know when I need to take a step back and take that girls night.  I have found my outlet that allows me time to be me, Heidi, and not just mom.

Being a mom IS scary.  It IS crazy.  It IS overwhelming.  BUT there is a point when there IS something more.  It is ok to ask for help, it is ok to talk to your Dr and it is ok to take medication.