I don't think it is any secret that Lucy has not been the easiest baby.
She has been battling reflux since she was a month old, she spits up all the time, she is stubborn, she doesn't like to be cuddled, hasn't liked to be rocked until recently, fought naps for a LONG time (and still does on occasion), moves and talks in her sleep thus waking herself up multiple times a night and is unable to soothe herself back to sleep or needs help getting unstuck from the side of the crib, is horrible for most all babysitters, she is NOT a pleasant teether, does not get teeth thru quickly, she is feisty, she is independent, it is often a battle to get her to eat, she is not easily entertained for more than just a few mins at a time, is always moving and always on the go, and has been sick a lot.
She has been battling reflux since she was a month old, she spits up all the time, she is stubborn, she doesn't like to be cuddled, hasn't liked to be rocked until recently, fought naps for a LONG time (and still does on occasion), moves and talks in her sleep thus waking herself up multiple times a night and is unable to soothe herself back to sleep or needs help getting unstuck from the side of the crib, is horrible for most all babysitters, she is NOT a pleasant teether, does not get teeth thru quickly, she is feisty, she is independent, it is often a battle to get her to eat, she is not easily entertained for more than just a few mins at a time, is always moving and always on the go, and has been sick a lot.
She has not been a particularly easy baby.
When things get REALLY bad (especially between 1 and 2 months when all she did was scream) I would/do get so frustrated not knowing what she needs, what she wants, and what I need to be doing for her. Then I get more frustrated; frustrated at myself for being frustrated. At times I would find myself thinking about how much simpler and less sleepy life was before she came. Then I wouldn't get frustrated, I would get MAD at myself for even letting such thoughts cross my mind. Lucy is what we have wanted, prayed for, longed for, paid for and hoped for for the past 5+ years.... how could I even think about being jealous of our old life?
I know that my feelings of frustration are real but I also know that I should be grateful for the sleepless nights, grateful for the crying teething baby, grateful for the constant mess in my house. I should be grateful because it means I have a beautiful little baby in my life to keep my up at night, to get teeth and to make a mess. And I am; I am grateful. But I still get overwhelmed.
There for a while I was not happy. I was not happy with myself for being frustrated with Lucy and for being frustrated with my lack of parenting skills. Then I realized something (with the help of others).....
I was expecting too much of myself.
For the 5+ years we struggled with infertility I had been told countless times, "You will be such a GREAT mom when you do have a baby." "You will appreciate that baby so much more." "You will be so much more patient."
But the truth?
Parenting after infertility is still parenting.
It is still hard. It is still frustrating.
I was expecting too much of myself.
For the 5+ years we struggled with infertility I had been told countless times, "You will be such a GREAT mom when you do have a baby." "You will appreciate that baby so much more." "You will be so much more patient."
But the truth?
Parenting after infertility is still parenting.
It is still hard. It is still frustrating.
I know that we are ever so lucky to have little Miss Mae in our lives and I am ever so grateful to have her in our family. I know that being her mom is a blessing that I longed for, prayed for and hoped for for a long time. But I also know that it is ok that I think parenting is hard.
I love this little girl more than anything in the world and now cannot imagine our life without her in it. She brings so much joy into our home with that huge toothy grin and those hysterical giggles and those sweet occasional snuggles.
Are there days when I want to pull my hair out? Yes. Are there days when Dillon can't walk through the front door fast enough to tag me out? Yes. Are there days when all I want is to check into a hotel room just to get a full nights sleep? Yes.
And all of that is ok.
I have put too much pressure on myself as an infertility "survivor" to somehow be a perfect parent. Because this little girl was SO desired to come into our family, the guilt I have felt over not being that 'perfect' parent is that much greater in those moments of frustration.
Parenting is hard. No matter how long you waited for that little one to come into your family.... it still brings the same challenges and the same frustrations.
But it also brings the same joys and happy moments.
It's true, Lucy hasn't been the easiest baby. But I truly believe that without her feisty, stubborn personality she would not be here with us. She had to be a fighter to make it into our arms and am I ever so glad that she did.
I will take my moments of frustration just so that I can enjoy those squeals of delight and those huge smiles.
And it is OK that I get frustrated and it is OK that I need a break from time to time.
Just because I had lots of time to prepare to be her mom doesn't mean I have to be the perfect mom.
She will still love me just the same, even with my parenting weaknesses.
I am BLESSED!
